yell, why are you here?

Today I yelled in a way that makes me cringe when the replay button is hit in my mind. The kind of yell that made my child open her eyes wide in shock, then dart down immediately in shame. It was bad, it was ugly, it was everything I never wanted to be as a parent. Yet it happened. Despite all those years telling myself that I would be able to control my temper, it happened. And the worst part is, there’s a good chance it will happen again someday.

Ugh. Don’t you hate those parenting moments? We are running on GO GO GO most days with the schedules to keep, and naps not to be missed, and businesses to run. And most of those days are good. Better than good, they’re great. But all the sudden a moment comes where patience is in some top secret hiding place and Anger from Inside Out is the only person running the control panel.

That was me this afternoon when Jettie got home from school. I won’t go into much detail because this was 100% my fault, but there was whining, whimpering and then bawling. I went from a little annoyed to boiling pretty quickly. It all happened so fast. I know she’s incredibly tired after school, she still takes a nap everyday in fact, but for whatever reason I couldn’t find an ounce of my grace and instead spewed ugly into her world. Before the words completely slipped out of my mouth I felt remorse. She ran to her room and I stood there wondering what on earth compelled me to be so awful to my beautiful girl, her soul so delicate.

After a few minutes I did what probably most of us would do. I sat down with her and apologized. Told her it was not her fault. Wrapped my arms around her and said I love you about a million times. I wish I could take it away, but I can’t. What I can do is let her know that mommy is human. As much as I would love to be perfect I am not. I am going to mess up from time to time. And when these bad moments come around there will always be an “I’m sorry” delivered to whomever is owed one.

She forgave me right away. Her shoulders lifted and her eyes brightened almost instantly. It’s incredible how quickly kids forgive. It took several texts to Sticky and a solid 4 hours of “I am the worst mother ever” playing in my head on repeat to even begin to forgive myself. I am still perturbed with me, and the fact that it happened but again…I am human. If Jettie has the perceived notion that mommy is no good unless she’s perfect, then I am really screwing up this whole motherhood thing.

I remember when we first brought Jettie home from the hospital thinking “I could never be mad at her.” I am not kidding guys…I would literally stand there, stare at her, and think that thought. Makes me laugh now. [And of course when we brought Bing home that thought never even crossed my mind.] Today I am well aware that there are going to be lots and lots of tough moments. But I also know as long as there is love there will be more moments like these…

Good grief do I love those kids. What beautiful and precious gifts they are.