My sweet Locke,
We’ve made it to 28 weeks. It’s been 10 weeks since your diagnosis, 10 weeks of grieving, healing and learning to walk this path. 10 weeks of loving you, learning about you, feeling you grow. You have certainly developed a personality, and we figure you out a little more every day. You are strong, you like to keep your little feet nestled snuggly in my ribs (only on the right side). You enjoy peanut butter and when your sister sings you her loudest rendition of “rock-a-bye baby”. You kick your buddy Bingham when I hold him, and get really shy when Nanny wants to feel you. Some days everything seems so normal, your kicks convince me you are healthy.. that everything will be fine. But then some small moment creates a crack in my fairytale, and reality walks back in. I protectively wrap my arms around my stomach, as if there is something I can sheild you from.. but I can’t.
I look at your ultrasound pictures several times every day, wondering what you have planned for us. These 10 weeks somehow feel like a lifetime, you and I– we have grown by leaps and bounds. You have taught me how to dance the thin line of grief and joy, and about how precious the gift of time is in this delicate life. All of the excess has been gracefully washed away.. for 10 weeks we have stared blatantly into our own hearts, searching for grace and peace. And grace and peace we have found, thanks to you, my little boy.
Your sister has many ideas of what kind of brother she is getting. “A tiny one”, she says. When I tell her that you are sick, and may not get to stay, her only concern is if God has diapers for you in Heaven, and that she can feed you before you go. Oh, my heart. She loves to read you stories, and tickle you in hopes that you will get the hiccups. I can feel her love for you, a special bond you two will always share. Her baby brother.
I don’t know how long I get to carry you, or how long you will stay with us once you are here- but I do know that my heart will carry you indefinately. You will never leave my mind, your tiny fingerprints will be stamped on every part of our life. My son, my unflickering light in a world of darkness. You will always be mine.
All my love,