Saturday marked 22 weeks.
Yesterday I saw our OB for the first time since our initial ultrasound. I was anxious to see her because I knew that her personal experience with these sort of pregnancies would be of much greater value to me than the stories you can find online. Confidently, I can tell you that we trust and feel comfortable with her- she is an incredible woman and an incredible doctor. As she shared her experiences my perspective, again, changed. With compassion in her eyes, she told me that with her Trisomy 13 cases she has never had a patient carry to term, and she has never had a live birth. These babies simply “run out of steam” somewhere along the way, as she put it.
I wish that right now, you and I could sit down with big mugs of coffee and I could tell you where my heart is. It’s hard to type out, the words don’t seem like enough. Why am I writing all of this? Why am I sharing? It’s not because I am strong, or collecting prayers in hope of a miracle. To me, the miracle of his life is already here, it’s already living among us. I’m sharing him with you because I want you to feel him in your life. I want you to hug your babies tighter, and know that tomorrow is not promised. I want you to search for the beauty in the heartbreak, to see God’s hands working all around us. I want you to know that that one “thing” that you thought you could never do, your heart couldn’t possibly handle… you can. It hurts, but you can. My heart has been emptied out, but it is being refilled with grace every single day.
Josh and I have had so many conversations since those heartbreaking ultrasounds. We are trying to wrap our hearts and our heads around all possible outcomes. Of course we are hopeful that he will beat the statistics, but we are also accepting that we can not change the outcome of this. We are trusting that this will all unfold the way it is suppose to, and that slowly, beauty will bloom from all of this pain.
Meeting with our doctor made one thing clear. My days of carrying him may very well be numbered. I am searching for ways to really soak up every second of my time with him, to figure out who he is through every kick and roll. A huge part of this for us was naming this little boy. Something strong, because we know he is. Something beautiful. Something with meaning. Something we will forever cherish. Timeless, endless, heart-filled.
A little boy, forever locked in our hearts.
To read about our journey from the beginning, see here.