Sometime’s its really difficult to share the hard stuff. It’s hard to log on and not blow smoke your way, and tell you instead that our hearts are heavy tonight instead of bursting with the glee we were so sure tonight would entale. While I have fought with myself all day over what to say about this I have decided that all I want to be is honest. After all, writing is my outlet and if I can’t be honest than why am I writing at all?
Today we woke up with more excitement than I can even explain. My stomach was bursting with butterflies as I sat down in the waiting room of my doctors office. Our ultrasound seemed to be like any other- fuzzy images that you are told are a profile, legs, toes. It wasn’t until my doctor walked through the doors with worry all over her face that I realised that something was wrong. Wait- whats happening? Words began bouncing off walls and I could feel myself sinking lower and lower until my whole body felt numb. There are concerns that our sweet boy may have a few abnormalties- abnormalties that quite honestly we have no answers for until we see a specialist.
You see, a funny thing happens when you have a baby unexpectedly. Nearly 4 years ago I was told that because of my age and health, pregnancy should be smooth sailing. I truly thought that at every appointment every woman heard, “baby looks great!”. Age and health had me tricked into a false sense of security. Fast forward a few years and a miscarriage later, and my perspective has certainly changed. There are no promises for that tiny baby.
Right now, we are very short on answers. What we do know is that there is a little boy kicking away in there, and have faith that things are going to be okay. A fear I have never before felt has a death grip on me at the moment, but for right now I have to let go. I have to place this in God’s hands and be still. Thank goodness for friends and family, and kind words. We are taking deep breaths and praying that this boy is healthy.